Posted On: 03/13/2008
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very Happy
The Bible as explained by kids--truth has been redefined! (Some spelling
and grammar has been corrected so that it's easier to read.)
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In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord they God is
one,' but I think he must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the
world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked but
they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam
and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from
the Garden of Eden...not sure what they were driven in though, because
they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his
brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important
people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a
ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.
He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to
take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
this brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sport coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, who real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights
every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments.
These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
bottom. The Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to
say, but my dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the president. Oh
yeah, I just thought of one more....humor they father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300
wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't
sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and
then barfed up on shore. There were also some minor league prophets but
I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had
been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close
the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a
matter of fact, I was."
During his life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus...he just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our
sins, and then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will
be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book
of Revolution.
There...now you understand it.
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